The question which has often pondered over my mind is, ‘Are you even desirable as a heterosexual man if a woman can’t consider you an exception?’ In our fast-paced dating world, the qualities of being desirable are equal to how much attention you attract from the opposite gender.

I will confess that I have put myself out there with certain vulnerability without being drawing attention from the girls to be dateable, I had often looked down upon myself for the inability to make it because we are taught that being single is our fault. One’s relationship status is one of the most private things, but Social media has changed the way it’s perceived. I have been painfully single for a ridiculously long time.

It’s not that I haven’t been on dates, asked anyone out or anything because it had been short-lived. My last, short-lived relationship started after a considerable dry spell. I have been on a lot of dry spells; I have never chasing around flings but making the effort to make myself desirable for a relationship.

I have been on online dating sites and apps, which haven’t been quite lucky for me in any way, so I have given up the idea of looking for a miracle to happen in that.

This feeling of desirability was equated with the number of girls I fucked, which is not an ideal thing to co-relate. I was measured based on that by classmates, who had the agenda to break me down.

This projected image of me operated inside for a long time, I made myself believe that I had transcended into a nice because apparently, that’s the only reason to justify it. I felt that there is something to strange wrong with me and I always struggled with the idea for a long time.

The other thing is a big one, that is I never really acted like how cool guys are supposed to behave, neither do I understood how to be a nerd. I have experienced that being someone in an exceptional category comes with bullying and harassment, not being the kind of guy from a particular category girls want to date have made it difficult.

I was never cast into the modern day trophy boyfriend to hang out, selfies and not to be left out, which is a good thing that’s not something of my types. The desirability was proportionally equally to being what they wanted me to be, and nothing else. I got some relief from thinking ‘I was not like other guys, I am better than them.’ I was wrong, very much in every way. I thought that girls will realize this is a fact, but it never worked in my favor.

I began to feel heartbreaks of not being like the other boys, of not being hotter than the other boys, of not being hot like other boys. It’s a weird feeling strange, the shameful condition of being trapped between ‘bad guy’ and ‘nice guy’ I always found myself reminding myself that I am not a nice guy because that’s not something girls want.

I often would stand to wonder why I never received that kind of attention, which can be applied in different forms, in different situations, its sums being in a state of being rejected, undesirable and unattractive.

I am a cool and chilled out guy, I promise. I have learned to not let past rejection turn me into some feeling of being undesirable or not good enough for anyone. The days I feel it is completely are faded away.  I don’t have the answers how things turned out in past because I am figuring out for myself. I want to believe that I can sail towards loving myself with much care and attention in the same way I fantasized for loving someone else.